Manipulators are
everywhere – at home, at school, at work. That is, wherever there are people.
What tactics do they use? Some of them are bold and obvious, others are hidden
and not so obvious:
Intimidation
This is not a
subtle or hidden way of manipulation, but a direct power approach. The main
message of intimidation is, "If you don't do what I want, you'll regret
it."
Imputing a sense of obligation
The hidden message here is: You must! "You have to do what you are to be considered a good person. You must satisfy my needs. I have to..I have to... The idea behind these words is this: If you don't do what you "should" do, it means you're untrustworthy, mean, untrustworthy, and generally bad.
Sarcasm or sharp humor
It comes in the
form of a joke, and when you react and take offense, the manipulator excuses
himself: “Ooh, you're too sensitive. What, don't you understand a joke?".
The message that this phrase contains is clear and emphatic: Be what I want you
to be, or I will do my best to destroy you with words.
Entering the role of victim
These are the
manipulators who constantly take advantage of their "victim's"
compassion and assume the position of being desperate and abandoned by everyone
when you give them any trouble (because you're a heartless scumbag, among other
things).
The message here
is: If you want to not feel like a jerk, you have to do/be what the manipulator
wants.
Heavy sighs / slamming doors / drumming fingers on the table / risky driving
This manipulative technique is used to punish you. The main message for you when a loved one slams the door, is beside themselves with anger, or slams on the brakes is this: You do not live up to my expectations, but I will not speak directly to you, but express my contempt for you through my actions .
Imputation of guilt
These are statements like, "Wow, how lucky you are!". Through guilt management, the manipulator knows exactly which "buttons" to push. If he senses that you're worried about becoming bad, he'll try to instill just that in you.
A sea of courtesies
This type of
manipulator will try to bribe you with gifts and/or shower you with
compliments. Beneath his ostentatious generosity is his desire to make you feel
indebted. And if you don't reciprocate as expected, you will regret it very
much.
Game of silence / pout / discontent
These tactics are
passive-aggressive punishment for something you've done. This is such an
unpleasant and painful manipulation that the victim will do anything to avoid
it.
Deliberate procrastination
Have you ever
looked forward to your partner? But he hesitates, procrastinates, does
everything sluggishly and reluctantly.
Then you probably
dealt with a manipulator who wanted to control you and the situation, but in a
hidden way.
This list is not
exhaustive and methods of manipulation are as varied as people. Suffice to say,
manipulators can tailor their tactics to the particular person they are
interacting with.
Why do manipulators manipulate? There are two main reasons for this:
➤ to control a
relationship and/or situation;
➤ to avoid personal
liability;
If you find that
someone is manipulating you, don't be discouraged - there are ways to protect
yourself and take care of your own safety.
There is one
basic prerequisite to being a victim of manipulation: you need the approval of
others. So being aware of this fact is a key point in your defense.
Stop needing someone else's approval. And don't let others judge you and define your self-worth.
Any manipulation
will only work if you allow it. Your handler has studied you and knows your
weaknesses. He knows you want to appear caring, or generous, or
self-sacrificing, etc. And it uses manipulation to exploit your weaknesses (and
your strengths) to its advantage.
The only way out
is to stop worrying about the hidden meaning of the message the manipulator is
trying to convey to you.
Here are some tactics that will help you reduce the manipulator's power over you:
➤ First you have to
realize that the manipulator wants to control you and all manipulative tricks
are actually control strategies.
➤ Don't try eand
change your partner. Just let him be the manipulator if that's his desire.
After all, you can't control another person any more than they can control you.
Accept it and take it easy.
➤ Stop defending
and justifying yourself. If you notice yourself getting defensive, make an
effort to shut up and get out.
➤ Eliminate the
manipulator's control over you. Stop meeting his demands.
Be aware that the
manipulator will use different methods to control you and be alert. As soon as
you stop submitting to his usual methods and tactics, he will surely raise the
stakes. Get ready for it.
Don't try to
please people. Allow others to be "disaffected" with you.
Show firmness and
do not give in to the pressure of others.
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